In Sickness and in Health

Battling cancer with love, medicine, and the Giver of both.

A Tribute to the Little Angels

Thank-you to all of you for your beautiful words and responses.  I have not been replying but believe me, we have been reading and it has blessed us so much.

So many of you have written of similar losses.  And I felt compelled to write a tribute to all the little angels waiting for us.

Dear little ones,

Your beginnings were weak, barely there,

Made in the darkest recesses of the earth.

So fragile and tiny,

Unseen and unformed substances,

We didn’t even know you were there at the beginning.

You were so weak and yet your strength was immeasurable.

You were strong enough to make a test in the outside world show positive.

You were strong enough to make your mommies sore and tired and sick.

You were strong enough to bring abundant joy and devastating sorrow.

You were strong!

And though unseen by us, you were indeed seen.

The eye of your Maker was watching closely,



And keeping.

Why then did you go?

We had you covered, between us and God.

We would have given you a beautiful home and loved you and cared for you.

Why did you go?

We could blame God; we could blame ourselves; we could blame the doctors; we could blame til we were blue in the face and still we would have the wrong answer.

It is a question whose answer is worship.


You are now with the One who knows all things,

Who can do all things,

Who IS all things.

As your mommies, we beg you to worship Him in whose presence you have come to rest.

Worship Him for us.

Tell Him we still love Him with all our beings.

Tell Him that we still trust Him though He dealt bitterly with us.

Tell Him that He is still our Hero, because He made the miracle of you.

And when we see you little ones,

All shall be well.






Our Tiny Angel

“The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

I once heard a young man read these words of Job in front of my church.  This was his surrendered introduction to a testimony of his wife’s miscarriage.

I never thought I’d ever be in those shoes.

But I am.

To be told that you are pregnant against all odds and then a short week later find out that the life within was lost….

It’s a whirlwind that leaves you shaken and in a tailspin.

The last two weeks have been some of the most tangled and confusing, thrilling and devastating of our short lives.  Prayers have been prayed, poems have been written, nights have been sleepless, and questions have been unanswered.

But still, we are not crushed or destroyed or annihilated.  We still live and we still worship.

The fact is:

I was told I would probably never have children.

I was told I was in a medically-induced menopause.

I was told that a stem cell transplant wreaks havoc on your reproductive system.

I was told lots of things.

But somehow the message never got to God.

He didn’t exactly work with the statistics.

If you would have asked me last week to look at the miracle of this conception, I would not have been able to for the pain of the loss.  In fact, I dreaded anyone telling me to do that.  I was angry and confused.  I didn’t care what miracles had been performed because they now lay at my feet in shards.

Today is different.  Out of His abundant mercy, God has given me the ability to rejoice in the miracle.  To rejoice that despite all odds, a new life exists now into all eternity.  To rejoice that though I don’t feel like one, I am indeed a mother.

“Blessed be the name of the Lord!”