In Sickness and in Health

Battling cancer with love, medicine, and the Giver of both.

Our Tiny Angel

on December 16, 2014

“The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

I once heard a young man read these words of Job in front of my church.  This was his surrendered introduction to a testimony of his wife’s miscarriage.

I never thought I’d ever be in those shoes.

But I am.

To be told that you are pregnant against all odds and then a short week later find out that the life within was lost….

It’s a whirlwind that leaves you shaken and in a tailspin.

The last two weeks have been some of the most tangled and confusing, thrilling and devastating of our short lives.  Prayers have been prayed, poems have been written, nights have been sleepless, and questions have been unanswered.

But still, we are not crushed or destroyed or annihilated.  We still live and we still worship.

The fact is:

I was told I would probably never have children.

I was told I was in a medically-induced menopause.

I was told that a stem cell transplant wreaks havoc on your reproductive system.

I was told lots of things.

But somehow the message never got to God.

He didn’t exactly work with the statistics.

If you would have asked me last week to look at the miracle of this conception, I would not have been able to for the pain of the loss.  In fact, I dreaded anyone telling me to do that.  I was angry and confused.  I didn’t care what miracles had been performed because they now lay at my feet in shards.

Today is different.  Out of His abundant mercy, God has given me the ability to rejoice in the miracle.  To rejoice that despite all odds, a new life exists now into all eternity.  To rejoice that though I don’t feel like one, I am indeed a mother.

“Blessed be the name of the Lord!”


22 responses to “Our Tiny Angel

  1. Emily Eby says:

    Jean, may the God of Job hear your Why’s and your Worship! I WANT to meet your little angel – I will ! I wonder if he/she has a personality somewhat like yours? A faith somewhat like yours of worship in spite of why’s. I wonder if God makes babies instantly mature in knowledge once they are out of this world? Or if they stay unknowing like a baby but yet knowing more or loving more because of a lack of the taint of sin on their souls. And because of being in the presence of Jesus.

    Your offspring! It is Godly to want to pass on life and faith. I think you did.

    Emily

  2. Linette says:

    I am so sorry. May God continue to give you the grace to view things from His perspective. He certainly is amazing!

  3. Miriam says:

    You’ve been in my thoughts so much the last while! You would make an amazing mom….you are a mom!! Bless you as you go through all the emotions and grieve this loss. I love your spirit, faith, and courage! Love you….

  4. mom coblentz says:

    Breathing a quiet worshipful ‘amen’.

  5. Debbie Overholt says:

    Dear Jean…I know the loss. We have 3 little ones in heaven! Soon after Galen’s father passed away…Galen had a dream….he saw his father, Andrew, (looking young..with black hair…) holding a little boy!!!!! The dream was so real…..he felt it was Dad holding one of our little ones!!! Hugs to both of you!!! Aunt Debbie

  6. Ruth says:

    O, Jean, How amazing! You ARE a MOM forever!! I know the thrill and then the pain! My heart aches for you! Joe and I have 2 babies in heaven…bet they’re all meeting up and worshiping God together!

    May God comfort your hearts! Ruth

  7. Shari says:

    Lots of tears. Your words are beautiful.

  8. Elisabeth says:

    Beautiful indeed; I immediately reread the entire post.

    “He gives grace and glory.” So grateful He is doing that for you.

  9. So many mixed emotions. Thanks for telling us Jean.

  10. Jolene says:

    A beautiful post written from the heart. May God bless you in this time of sadness!

  11. Bonnie's Mama says:

    I don’t know you, Jean, but we are bound by a common thread, and I am so sorry about your loss–loss of this child who is beyond priceless, loss of hope, loss of dreams, loss of the wonderful experience of having and raising this particular baby.

    But.

    Your baby now has all of eternity to enjoy Jesus! What a wonderful reason to have existed here on earth! I don’t say that lightly; that comes out of wrestling through the loss of at least five babies.

    And it doesn’t help in the middle of the grief for this child, it will never replace this child, but oh someday, please God, may you know the joy of holding another miracle and watching that little person grow.

    Now the God of Hope fill you with all Joy and Peace in believing, that you may abound in Hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit. I pray you will strongly feel the presence of the Father with you, for many months to come. He gets it–He lost His Son, too.

  12. Uncle Jim says:

    So proud of you as you show your commitment to the Father’s love, even when it hurts! I have been taught to do that so many times in my life. You would make my Marjean so proud of you, if she were here, especially since you carry her name. Life is filled with dark times, but there are so many bright times to overshadow them. Continue on, you are on the right track! Love ya
    Uncle Jim

  13. Gina says:

    We too lost our first child. The lost of any child is devestating, in your circumstances, probably double. But who can measure grief when in its grip. It is all you can feel or see.

    So very sorry.
    Gina

  14. Marlene says:

    I am quieted by both your miracle and your sorrow (which strangely enough turn my thoughts to the themes of Mary’s life). God’s grace to you as process both.

  15. Ever since I heard you speak in PA in March, I have prayed that God would give you a child. I don’t know what God is doing, but I know that He Loves You. I am so sorry…
    Wendy W.

  16. Aurelia says:

    What a beautiful verse. I’m not sure I thought of that verse during my own losses. What an astounding and amazing miracle. Maybe, it should be miracles; first the gift of life and secondly the ability to worship in the midst of pain and loss. That is not our human nature that enables us to do that. May God bring you in comfort in the days when worship doesn’t want to come so easily and the shards of pain are what you feel instead.

  17. Rhonda says:

    Having to cry a little here for you dear Josh and Jean. When I think back to my own first pregnancy and realize how thoroughly it consumed my heart and thoughts and dreams and plans…I can’t even imagine the thrill it must have been after thinking it could never happen! And having it ripped from you so quickly…..ah me….I am so sorry!
    But I know God can do miracles in the heart department just as He can in the womb department, and I love how you trust Him to do that. Much love from our tribe.

  18. A few short weeks ago we said goodbye to an angel baby as well, though it wasn’t quite the miracle yours was. There so many things I could say, but words are hollow at times like this. Don’t run from the pain. Cry the tears. Sob out the anger and questions. And most of all, stay at the feet of Jesus.

  19. Lauretta E. says:

    A bitter sweet bit of news from you. So sorry for the disappointment, but you have given life to one who will live forever & you can go to the child some day. Keep trusting & know God has things planned for your future, especially as you leave for Israel. We will pray for you.

  20. Rebekah Miller says:

    Jean, this brings tears to my eyes. How well I can identify with the joy and anticipation of a baby that might have mama’s smile and daddy’s hair, and the pain as those dreams slip through our hands. Every now and then I tell Jesus to squeeze my little Bo for me. He was so little when he left us, no bigger than an inch, but I know that Jesus is taking good care of him and he is surrounded by light and warmth. Someday I will hold him and love him, but until then–oh Jesus, hold my baby!

  21. Rach Eicher says:

    So sad… and yet so beautiful! I cry… I have prayed for you specifically in that area. That God would open your womb and bless you with a baby. You are a mother… and you know a little more what it meant to God to ‘give away’ His Baby so many years ago. I grieve with you and will continue to pray for another miracle, for you (and for us too!)

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