In Sickness and in Health

Battling cancer with love, medicine, and the Giver of both.

And so it continues…

Since last week Jean has been struggling with intense, rash-less itching–an indicator of lymphoma.

God, no.

We prayed and clung to hope.

Dr. Ali wasn’t terribly worried but rescheduled our PET scan, which was completed yesterday. Today, he got the results as he was leaving the office.  He didn’t have many details, but the scan showed increased activity in the one lymph node as well as several nodes throughout the chest and one under her arm.

It’s back.

Fragile dreams, hopes, and plans dashed into a thousand, tinkling pieces. A twisting knife in the gut. My God, she’s gonna die. Hot anger directed straight at heaven, then a sea of grief at the futility of it all. Hard, cold, body-shaking terror. Impenetrable fog. Clinging. Sobbing. Releasing. Numb. Complete helplessness. Faith in a free fall.

We don’t know much about what we’re dealing with and even less about the future. At this point it looks like the cancer is contained to several nodes. Probably Hodgkin’s but more aggressive than before. Dr. Ali wants another biopsy as well as a bone-marrow biopsy. Continuing chemotherapy will mean stronger drugs and possibly a stem-cell transplant.

One step at a time.

With the help and prayers of church family, we are beginning to pick up some of the pieces. Mom and Dad Coblentz are on the way.

Oddly, we have already known moments of peace. It’s all so ridiculously and hopelessly out of control, it feels like we can quit fighting. Maybe it’s like wanting to sleep while freezing to death. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. But it feels something like the hands of God.

We continue to believe in the possibility of cure. Stubborn faith trumps stubborn doubt.

Nothing is resolved.